A person who is financially minded simply values things in a different way than someone who is not, but thats not to say that either person is inherently wrong. The other parent is frugal, easily contented with a simple life style, doesnt believe in debt or unreasonable spending. Meanwhile they dont pay their bills on time or repay the money borrowed. /rant. My dad seems to be ok financially but my Mom, age 72, still works in a factory for $9 an hour and has no savings and still owes about $45k on her home. Conduct financial transactions in a business like manner - Whenever there are big financial transactions such as a significant loan or property sale within a family they should be done in a. Youll be paying for a larger house or at least losing the opportunity $$ you could make on the difference you make from selling the larger house and buying a smaller one. The article mentioned less than 10,000 saved? We went on expensive family holidays, my parents always paid for everyone whenever there was an occasion that we were eating at a restaurant etc., they entertained a lot. She hasnt done it. Good thinking! My struggle is that one of my parents has always been stubborn about work ethic and spending habits. Im over her narcissism and guilt trips. Giving financial help to a family member especially if its yet another cash payment earmarked for an adult child may seem like something parents, siblings and relatives should do for each other, if theyre able. What you can do about it: Once you give someone money, its near-impossible to dictate how they use it. My mother hasnt worked since they married over 40yrs ago though she would have been capable. I could have saved enough for a deposit on a house by now but that money is always needed for something and with the way things are going I never will save enough. For now, I am choosing to be disengaged, because my efforts in the past in trying to change behavior have been ignored. (Actually, my parents would be doing OK now except that my adult siblings are still living with them and are almost entirely financially dependent. Based on life expectancy tables shes got another twenty years to live and amazingly shes less and less capable of supporting herself every day. Why should I? Why should I be responsible to take care of him because he wont take care of himself nor will he work because he is picky on what kind of job. Ur damn right! My FIL inherited about $900,000 in assets including about $400,000 in CASH 10 years ago. so, thanks for your posts and helping me to sort this all out. I can't give you money but I can loan it to you. They keep threatening to leave her on my doorstep. As far as financially supporting parents, the law should not make it mandatory for children to do so on a general scale. I hoping one day to be financially secure and dont plan on having any children, just cant deal with that stress and dont want to ever have to depend on them for money. My daughter will never take care of me in any way. Thank you for your post and to all who commented here. If you are a millionaire and your parents are in a home being paid for my the government. Many of my closest friends over the last few years have been ones Ive met at community game nights and at volunteer events. I might have more savings at 25 then they do currently. I say its about time they learnt that lesson for themselves. She had 0 savings. I am 53 Y.O. Do all you can to become independent unless you want your child to resent you, be stressed over your actions or lack their of, or be dead weight. My father has no clue, nor does he care that we are all working hard to take care of our own kids and families while having to help support our mother. What Happens to Your Taxes When You Rent-to-Own to a Family Member? First, make them understand your situation and explain to them your own financial goals. This is a generalization, but it seems that those of us who have had financially irresponsible parents are understandably more wary of helping them that are those who have not been in that position. It's important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do. A Good Parent Leaves Behind An Inheritance For Their Children. the problem is and its not being addressed is the baby boomers expect and demanding social security but generation x and y are looking at and saying quite rightly where is mine coming from the baby boomers had the best economic times in history y and x any are being left to pay the bill for the party. I think it depends on what you mean by help. Will I hand my parents money? However, my mom thinks I should chi in and help with bills?! They are the ones who created the mess and are leaving and dont mind doing so to their children, grandchildren, and possibly their great grandchildren to foot the bill. The lifestyle changes that need to happen now and devise a plan to be as financially independent as possible for the future. I fear that one day theyll show up on my doorstep. I dont think so. He does not clean his home and often walks in his pajamas for days does not bath. I have four kids, two in college, and have to put MY mortgage on the back burner because as capable as he is if working, hed rather wait it out until his minuscule social security check starts coming in a few months. They just finished remodeling their kitchen and their master bath. My parents supported their hired help for their entire lives until the day they died. Go earn more than disability would get them or learn to live on what disability gives them. If theres a little left over, you can consider a small monthly stipend for Dad. Just recently, my father, with guidance from two of his children, sold his house to settle several debts. You need to write a book! Money isnt free whether youre borrowing from a bank. He has a nice home and tons of money. No one wants to have to go through this believe me. We could have gone to school in the public system( Philippines) alright.My dad worked full time but cheated and squandered money only 2 years of my mom being abroad. Financial abuse might be someone asking for money, gifts, your credit card, or wanting control of your accounts or property. Were also saving for college. This is the perfect post for me. Most would disagree with the mooching strategy, but it is a real one. I wouldnt let her be without but she just takes and really thinks its all right. Having that old of a child given to us threw off all our financial planning to begin with. You made your bed like a selfish pile and when you did you missed out on getting to know your son or grandchilden. Im not going to enable anybodys bad habits but I do think things should be looked at on a case by case basis as we do have a familial responsibility. I hear you! Except they arent even married anymore and he still takes care of her. Creating sub-trusts to ensure education, housing and daily living expenses are paid offers additional security to a family that may suffer from poor financial management. In my freshmen year of college I was still living at my grandmothers (and paying rent) when she had a stroke and died. The problem is how are they going to LIVE when they cant work anymore. Its been almost 17 years of this with no end in sight. I want to say that while I am paying for my mother I do not think it is my responsibility and it is an awful thing for any parent to do to their child. That was cruel and you are dead wrong. This behavior involves spending more than you can comfortably afford to. I will have to take money away from saving for my kids education or my retirement to help them out. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Giving birth does not make you a true parent. My husband and I have tons of debt from grad school (just finished this year) and pilot training, and while we earn the most, we also have 4 kids with one on the way and a couple more possible. She is in assisted living with 3 meals a day. :(. Therefore, I have been working two, sometimes three, jobs at a time just make ends meet. Lets talk numbers I will do basic math for your benefit. I have now, feeling like I have to go back to work and support her with some money. My grandmother bought him a mobile home (paid for) and all he had to do was pay utilities and the almost $300.00/per mo. Why not tell them to shape up? Say, I know what you want, and there is no need to pressure me or guilt me into giving you what you want.. All contact with them is negative. We may earn a commission from links on this page. Filial Obligation laws usually go beyond child for parent. I was just thinking the same thing! He supported this woman stealing from my grandmother who is on a fixed income and lost a leg, has dimensia and cannot work. Yes the parents raised you and YOU think you owe them (some parents -the reasonable ones- didnt expect to be paid back when they raised you, they had you because they wanted the enjoyment of having a child). Toys arent a part of a good quality of life, emotional bonding and development are. The parents are in their 80s and on Social Security. Be present and direct. A series of unfortunate events led to my parents financial demise from which they never recovered. You cannot keep a residence just by filing bankruptcy. Other. Part of it is that they are lazy, after me and my sister moved out there were 2 rooms and basement in the house they could rent out but they just left it there.. My grandmothers deceased male partner left her enough to not work however my father and his girlfriend has taken her for everything so now she has no nest egg either. Parents dont want to be controlled by their children um yeah, ok, fair enough. But wont you at least give them a $5/week allowance? Manipulate: Control or coerce another person by artful, unfair, or insidious (harmful but enticing) ways, especially to one's own advantage. Equal distributions with trust planning and oversight are a more fundamentally fair approach to maintain family harmony. Very cruel situation. I an 27, make less than 30,000 aq year and newly married with a 7 week old infant-the financial burden of them is affecting my marriage.Someone please tell me Im not wrong for wanting them to contribute. Youre an adult now, just as the 27 year old is its just that the dynamic is different in that the discussion is going the other way. Conversely, almost all children who do not feel this desire have very good reasons. So my mother-in-law is notoriously bad with her personal finances. Joey Johnston has more than 30 years of experience as a journalist with the Tampa Tribune and St. Petersburg Times. Im the oldest of 3 sibs, the oldest is the only one married with 3 kids all over 30, all successful in their careers and relationships. He loves to work and says he will work until the day he dies. And, if she doesnt, please reach out to her children and offer them some money lessons so their financial lives are more in control. I am glad my father doesnt ask for help (I think he is too ashamed after the way he treated me). Ask them to do some work in exchange for the money. We bailed him out. My parents act like they never will get sick and like they never will have a need. I say to anyone suffering with this because their parents have acted irresponsibly that you should SAVE YOURSELF FIRST and then if you can help and want and choose to then go ahead-especially if you have your own children you need to put yourself and children first. In tough economic times, many families lose their jobs, homes, cars, retirement accounts, belongings, savings, health insurance, and more. Im moving back home for a year while I do grad school and recently found out my parents have no retirement plan and I was shocked. Im glad your parents are financially stable, but stop and think of the others that did not grow up in the same financial situation as you did. In that case she made her choices and now shell have to live with them. Your comment doesnt apply here. They always ate at restaurants instead of cooking and maxed out all of their credit cards. I just want to put out a word of warning- even if you know its the right thing to do, it WILL be difficult to tell your fiscally irresponsible/gambler/drinker/addict parent that you wont take them in. Im mad and angry. Its hard to put my foot down when she comes asking for money. Unfortunately my moms retirement plan has always been to use her kids as a checking account while also being ungrateful for it and even complaining that she only gets 1k a month with a paid off condo and complaining that she sometimes has to babysit (like maybe twice a month and theyre old enough to be left alone, just need an adult with a pulse around to make sure theyre not getting into trouble.). she works from home but only 10 hrs a week and has meds that cost more than what she makes. I think each case should be looked at individualy. Both parents have helped me out of many jambs, stupid or not, without question. They currently work in decent jobs but have had career setbacks in the past and may have more in the future. I dont like your assumption.All the while raising your generation parents have sacrificed a lot to give you guys more than we had.Your toys were more expensive,we paid thru the nose for electronics that only keep getting better year after year and everyone had to have the latest.The pension plans and unions, etc.died along the way with our parents generation keep that straight.There is no longer security in work,everyone is dispensable.Most parents dont want to live with their adult children because of the selfish, opinionated, callous people they have become.I say most,I am not generalizing here. I am entitled to a life! When you were little, and dependent on your mom, she had total control over you. Not true. she screwed over her kids so bad. If its a loan, consider both sides signing a personal contract that includes repayment terms. Our parents have also helped her out over the years but none of us know what to do. Near the end of her run, she sold the pricey home, moved, and adopted a more modest lifestyle. It was part luck getting here, but Ill be damned if I didnt work my butt off as well (and continue to do so). It is much easier to feel resentment! I dont try to get into debt unless its absolutely necessary. You should have thought about that before you had kids. He and mom are now separated. However, by helping, I mean paying close to $10,000 a year for her bills alone that she makes no payment on the whole year, then calls him up needing a quick $4,000 here and there. One more thing to add i had tried talking to them about their situation but i feel like if im talking to a brick wall they want to hear 0 percent of my non sense lol . its not that much anyway. So, she got a part time job at WALMART and promptly bought herself a Cadillac (what every Walmart cashier needs). All I got was hostility from them (nasty emails and threats). My husband and I can barely make it on the salaries we have. 1. Ive read all your post and feel even worse. If anyone feel different, they can care for you. Just like they tell you before a flight, put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping the person next to you. I gave my mom the benefit of the doubt and applying compassion and duty, I moved her in and have taken care of her. Unfortunately, my parents live in PA, so this may be a reality for me. I really feel for you. We have had two businesses together. Look at how strong your mom made you! The youngest son works. Goodie for you Tim. It is morally right to help your parents but its also infair of them to put this on their children. I support the same action regarding parents who dont respect their childrens authority in their childrens homes. They can find an entry-level job or two. Thankyou for reading my story i have so many things to add but my spelling and grammer sucks and my story just got boring after some time so if you have questions or anything to add feel free. Ill say it up front that Im an idiot with too little fortitude to do what needed to be done. You should insist on a thorough physical exam including psych testing. You made a lot of sacrifices to earn that money. My husband is now disabled and we have one income. I saved all of my life. Or care 4 u at ALL! She also makes it a specific point to remark that my circumstances are so poor and that she is hoping for a miracle for for me. Its not pertinent to the discussion. I can not disagree more with your statement. They view it as a rejection and an ungrateful reaction from me. (2021, May 5) Poll: Many parents have helped adult children financially since 2020. But what if your parents decided to live a very extravagant lifestyle and made zero effort to boost their retirement savings? This devastates me as the oldest of three kids with parents who has rarely if ever taken care of their own business (thank God my father had a mother who lived to 86, and a month after she passed he had to move in with me!) i am sorry, but i will NOT be financially responsible for this woman. They often have better medical care than people who have a job with high copayments/deductibles. This happens every other month when she decides to stop taking her medications properly and goes through psychosis and takes out money she doesnt have. I will say a not so dirty little secret is that, Americans are growing increasingly selfish than we were for generations. Similarly, if expensive trips happen in the summer, talk about it instead in the winter. I know that my mom, bless her soul, walked through life with her own box of weights that caused her, as a parent, to give me my own story. No. Besides, you would be paying them back for raising you and paying your expenses and maybe even helping you financially with your education. Ive had money and Ive had love and neither are worth dick unless you dont take it for granted. I have made suggestions in the past about at least keeping track of spending and I think over time I will become more insistant. She works from home. You are doing the right thing. So thats another twist!). Needless to say, he doesnt have any retirement savings. His father died, and his mother through her addiction and depression drank herself to the point of no job, no home, no income.. absolutely NOTHING. He gets agressive whenever we ask him to get his act together. any suggestions at all are welcome! But if they say they deserve it, screw it. Her mother and father worked their fingers to the bone to have something to leave their children!. She talks to me in detail about her daily activities, pleasures, difficulties- every topic. I think the businesses can run without him and pay for his medical bills, but what if is in the hospital for years? I really appreciate the honesty and posts on this website. Without knowing a familys complete and entire history, theres no way someone else could possibly judge why we all make the choices we do. The gravy train stops. The social cueing/brainwashing that levies a ridiculous guilt trip based on morality, no less- and imagines that ALL elderly individuals were once nurturing, responsible, caring parents/role models needs to be discussed honestly and frankly. @ERHR I can completely relate you having to unlearn lessons. I understand the cultural implications of taking care of your elders, but this should not happen in your 20s and when they are not even 60 years old. Dont let your parents screw your life up like mine nearly did. It's difficult to watch a sibling get more love, attention, and financial rewards too. Give that person a ride to work. The most important thing to remember is that you do not have to help. As for what people should do in the way of support, it is entirely up to them as to what they want to do and how much help they provide. In south africa its very difficult for white males to find work so you try to keep what you have. If he gets into financial trouble, scammed, etc. I would do this only because my parents raised me properly and was not mean and abusive or anything like that. People are so shallow these days. Postnup Yes. My dad told me last week they are upside down on their mortgage and have only $12,000 left in their retirement savings. All I can say is, is that there are going to be some major changes in the near future. Hes already past retirement age. If it makes your family uncomfortable for them to move in, its not an option period end of discussion. She even goes so far as to use the Bible to try to manipulate me into giving her money. The two family members I mentioned have less than 10k in savings between them and are 57 and 64 respectively. Why in Gods name should she use HER money to support that woman? She and her husband are pregnant with their second child, live rent-free with her parents, have two brand new cars with $300 payments, and have high car insurance due to multiple wrecks on both of their records. And manipulation involves control and coercion. I am single, never married, no kids. Just like parents have a responsibility to cut off their children when their children are using the parents as a financial safety net for their irresponsible financial choices. I gladly gave it to her but I felt so sad that she is like this.